Thursday, November 26, 2009

Just Leave A Message

I'll be honest.. I can't stand holidays.. The corny music.. The trees.. The turkeys.. The cards.. The lights.. Those annoying trick or treaters.. Guess what I did this Halloween.. I went to Walmart, because I didn't want any annoying trick or treaters at the door.. I didn't want to deal with it.. And the phone calls.. The holiday phone calls.. I can't tell you how many times I've been on the phone today.. I mean, sure, I could easily check my call log; but I simply don't want to rehash any of it.. I gotta tell you.. I hate talking on the phone, as it is.. And text messages.. Those are just as bad.. I happen to be one of those squares that's purchased a cell phone, simply for emergencies (or "important" things).. You want to know what one of the worst things you can possibly do to me is?.. Call me on the phone, just to chat.. Text me, so we can go and have a coffee.. You know what?.. I can think you're the best and most wonderful person in the world, but it doesn't mean that I want to get off of my couch to go out and chew the fat with you.. Nothing personal; really.. I've thought about this more than a couple of times, actually.. And I'm not angry.. I'm writing this with a smile, as I listen to The Marx Brothers in the background.. I was just made this way, that's all.. I have "friends" that I haven't seen since the first grade; and in my mind, we're still the best of friends.. But it doesn't mean that I want to go rollerblading with them or anything.. I like my privacy.. I'm a writer, at heart.. I'm content to simply observe from a distance, and meander through life in some sort of imaginative haze.. I don't necessarily need to "partake" in certain things.. And really, I don't care to.... All of this is just... I hate holidays.. They seem to bring this out of me.. I get the same way on my birthday.... On holidays, and my birthday, I prefer to just be alone; with a soda and the remote.. And when I happen to get fed up with myself, and wonder why exactly I go on this way... I think my only answer is... You really can't go back home.. Things are never gonna be as good as when you were younger... When you got that first bike.. Or when you discovered that it was your dad eating the cookies, and your mom filling the stockings.. Or when you didn't have to worry about things like if this one was going to be your last one, together.... You felt so safe...... That's enough...

Friday, November 20, 2009

Mein Kampf

"I think, therefore I am..".... Is this my validation?.. Impossible.. For what I am, is not what I be.... Huh?.... But this self-deprecating (Or is it defecating?) (I guess it's all the same, really..) state of mind is nowhere near reliable, in efforts such as these.. But then again, have you ever noticed how deep and insightful people tend to get (Or at least act) the later they stay up?.. All of a sudden they're a modern Confucius.. That, or just plain 'ol confused.. I suppose the two are easy to mix up.. You'd think he'd have been more confused himself, with a name like Confucius and all.. And you see?.. This is exactly what I'm talking about.. Me, talking about Confucius as if he's in the latest Twilight movie or something.. Hot topic as he may be (Or not).... But I'm digging.. I'm acting as a paleontologist in nothing more than a metaphorical limerick.. And that means absolutely nothing to the mainstream.. But I don't concern myself with the likes of them anyway.. Such a meaningless existence.... I need to progress.. I need to move through ranks; but for what?.. Sanity?.. Happiness?.. Validation?.. Purpose?.. Meaning?.. Security?.. Stability?.. Hope?.. Drive?.. The will to go on?.. These are all the same to me.... Nonexistent....

Thursday, November 19, 2009

O Unknowable Universe....

O Unknowable Universe.... But then, what is knowable?.. I can't even get to the bottom of this cold.. It's kind of funny.. I don't think I've ever eaten crackers in my life without being sick.. Except for maybe only a couple of desperate moments in a Chinese restaurant, aside my soup.. But that was only for my mind's sake.. I didn't want to be rude or anything, Chinese being my favorite and all.. I'd like to remain on good terms.. With or without the help of Obama.. Huh?.. Huh..? Watch the news.. Anyway, while I usually hold steady to my opinionated and somewhat stagnant ideals; I've never been one to push an unprovoked resistance.. I'm quite proud of the way that I was brought up; and now, being a parent myself, I realize that my parents must've done a little more than just sit me in front of the TV.. But then, maybe they did.. And then that's what I have to thank them for.. I was really too young at the time to remember that now.. I suppose I could ask.. But I still haven't even taken out the trash.. I tend to procrastinate.. And I tend to bring this to the attention of others.. I also happen to mention, quite often, that I'm lazy, unmotivated, undependable, impossible to reach on the phone, uninterested, and so on.. Why?.. Because this way, people don't depend on you.. They don't ask you for things.. They don't expect anything from you.. They'll pretty much leave you alone.... Isn't this what everyone really wants?.. I think that's why I did so bad in school, so often.. I'd score low in hopes that the teacher would assume me to be a lost cause.. That, or because I'd be in bed playing video games and end up taking the test two weeks late, having missed all preparations.. But I do miss high school in a way.. I truly thought I never would, but I do.. Anything to hold onto your escaping youth, right?.. Didn't you feel so young in high school?.. Invincible?.. The whole world ahead of you?.. And then, just as you're thrust out into the world, you realize that it's such an awful place.. And what are you gonna do now; with your bachelors, and masters degrees?.. Rake in some big money; only to give it away to the government, in order to pay for things that you don't even believe in, and are actually quite against?.. Oh well.. I'll never understand what drives such things; aside from hype, of course.. But as long as it's enough for those imbeciles that carry the fate of devastation, ever so delicately and upright, like a plasma TV; it'll be enough for the universe.. O Unknowable Universe..

Friday, November 13, 2009

And It's Only 10:33am...

Burger King fries, to me, are the kind of fries that you feel are the very best when you're eating them.. You know what I mean?.. Like sometimes when I'm eating Carl's JR fries, I'll think "these are really good; but I know that McDonald's fries are better.." But when I'm eating Burger King fries I'll think, "These are the best." even though I still know that McDonald's fries are really the best.. You know?.. They're just so good (the Burger King fries) that they may momentarily paralyze your "presets".. Dare I say that I may even experience that very same thing when I have a Cola as opposed to Pepsi?..... Blasphemy!!......... I have to thank Mr. Richard Britsch on this cold and ill-begotten morning (for I wish I was still sleeping) for my breakfast.. This morning I've had a large Cola, a Whopper, and large fries from Burger King; and a hash brown and two Egg McMuffins from McDonald's.. All thanks to the kind heart and fat wallet of Old Man Britsch (not abandoning his role as Best Man; even after the wedding).. In a very strong way, he's like the great grandfather that I never had/knew.. As it is, I really only even knew one of my grandpas.. One passed away about a year before I was born, and I've always maintained a kind of bitterness about that.. I feel robbed in a way.. I wish he could of at least known me, even if I would've been too young to remember.. And then a couple of months ago my other grandpa passed away.. He reminded me a lot of myself.. It was really hard/weird to deal with.. But still, I think the hardest thing is to think of what it did to my grandma, and my mom.. It's so weird to think of someone passing away.. Because you think of all of the possible things that you could've done to prevent it.. 'Ridiculous as they may be.. Like.. If only I had some medical school training and happened to be there at that exact moment, bearing a genie in a bottle that could've saved him (on top of my medical training).. It can really mess you up for a while.. I hate death.. I wish death were a person; so then I could kill it and then it would know just how horrible it is, and maybe refrain from claiming any more lives.... In the meantime, I'll just play some Xbox or something...