........ I Won't Forget It....

There's something special about a primered vehicle.. I've always been drawn to them.. I think it may have something to do with the potential.. The possibilities.. If I had to choose between driving a 2009 Lamborghini that had a little scratch on the side, or a '78 (primered) Chevy pickup.... I'd go with the pickup.... I saw one the other day at a red light, and I couldn't help but stare.. There's a kind of freedom that comes with it.. Every time I see one, I wonder what color they might paint it.. what design they may grace it with.. Any other car on the road that HAS color is like a completed portrait, or something.. But a primered car is like an empty canvas.. A primered car is "primed" to be painted.. That's sort of how I feel about this upcoming year... This upcoming decade... An empty canvas waiting for the painter.. Waiting to be painted... Endless possibilities.. Endless potential.. There's a kind of eagerness.. a kind of joy.... a kind of fear... A new painting, yes.. But who knows what kind?.. Are we heading out of the desert, and into The Promised Land?... Or out of the five-star restaurant, and into the bathroom?... Time will tell, as always.. For the first time (in a long time) I'm optimistic.. For I'm one of those who insist on holding a brush... eager to paint.. Entering a brand-new decade at the age of twenty-one is nothing short of a challenge to me.. I'm embracing.. and my mind, racing.... When I think of the quote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.".. I think of it as more of a summation of life (rather than a year, or even a mere decade).. But for the sake of getting something across.. the quote DOES (of course) hold true for the past year (as well as the last decade)... Lots of heartache and sorrow... And such outstanding joys and memories....... No decade will ever be as special to me as the nineties ('seems so long ago now)........ But I can use what I took from then, to inspire me... in every stroke of my brush...... There's a renaissance coming... And it'll speak for itself, soon...

A Nation Of Vexation..

If money is the root of all evil, then I must be pretty.... not evil.... But it's much too easy to assume the role of a martyr when things just aren't going your way.. I'm one of those people that happen to "have a heart" for the homeless.. For the "needy".. the less fortunate.. It really kills me when I pull up beside "one" at a light (or whatever) and I don't have any cash on me.. Of course, all sympathies aside, there must have been SOME sort of "series of events" that were allowed, in order to grant them such a destiny.. But should any man be denied grace?.. And then who's to say?.. (I know, but how much can I really get away with on here without losing "credibility"?) Some would extend a kind of mercy that others would not hesitate to rid the world of.. It's THESE kinds of people that should be living on the streets, like animals.. There are no TRUE stereotypes, or even credible assumptions.. There ARE good people that are living on the streets; and there are countless, ignorant hedonists that occupy our mainstream, and that live in the lavish homes.. engulfed in all of their ill-begotten gain.. undoubtedly bestowed upon them by our "O Impressionable Youth", as well as the "elders" who've grown tired of putting up the good fight against these antagonists that carry a fate unknown to even themselves.. A fate that shall be the death of their people all together.. It's the people on the streets that remind me that the world is REAL.. And it's the wealthy, with their noses held so high, that remind me that the world is AWFUL.. So who am I?.. Yes, I'm somewhere in between, but where does that leave me in the "grand scheme of things"?.. I'm not rich, and I'm not homeless.. But at the same time, I'm a certain type of rich, and yes.. a certain type of homeless.. We all are.. But far from most of us realize this.... I think that the ones that DO are better off.. King Solomon would surely agree that these things considered to be great riches, and the epitome of success, will surely rust and be eaten away by moths.. It's nothing other than foolishness to store up such things here on Earth.. On Earth, where the thief in the night can take away what you've "worked so hard for" in only mere seconds.. Where the possessions which you cling to cannot be taken when your time has come.... Who then is greater than the other?.. None... You see the man on the street who's hungry.. And then you proceed on to your home.. with your countless idols.. Your TV, your computer, your CD's, your furniture, even your loved ones.. whatever you may happen to have at your disposal.. As the homeless search the cold, hard sidewalk for a place to lie their heads at night; the fortunate nestle in their warm beds, and bother their minds with such trivial things.. Things that the less fortunate would be so fortunate to bother THEMSELVES with........ When I begin to feel sorry for myself... it's THEN that I realize just how "sorry" it really is for me to feel this way.. And that in my "own right".. I'm truly the wealthiest person on Earth.. And I realize... that it's those people in the big houses, and with all of the money that I REALLY do feel sorry for.. MY riches cannot be spent, repoed, or taxed....

From Small Red Chambers Unbeknownst To Many..

It took me quite a while to realize exactly what it was that I REALLY wanted to do with my life.. And when I ended up gaining about 22 pounds after realizing that what I wanted to do was eat fast food and drink Pepsi all day, while watching Matlock (I wasn't working).. I figured that maybe I should try something else.. I still eat fast food and drink Pepsi all day, but now I think "skinny".. And I'm not gaining any weight (and the 22-odd pounds are gone).. but I'm not gonna ask questions.. The universe seems to be working in my favor.. Fine.. But don't you ever feel like the whole world is against you?.. I still can't get over those cold chicken nuggets that I had last night.. I didn't have the BEST day, and in that case my "meal" can be something of a meditative cleansing.. Anyone that REALLY knows me knows this; and even though everything that I both know, and believe in, tells me that it's not only inappropriate, but unhealthy as well.... it happens to be number 43 of my 217 "thorns in the flesh".. You only have so much flesh to work with in the first place, so understand that I don't always feel as though I'm running with both legs.. But I knew I'd find solace in the nuggets... The nuggets.. Those warm, precious nuggets in all their glory; with their crispy outside, and tender, juicy inside.. Not without the hot mustard (of course).. This, has many a time pulled me from the lurch.. Well.. This was not to be the case last night.. I felt like a wounded child going to bed without having had supper.. Trivial?.. Petty?.. Who's to say?.. I'm a "victim of my surroundings" yes, but who isn't?.. Everyone is.. Whether or not you "succumb" to it doesn't change anything.. But I happen to be a victim of my generation as well.. I constantly feel the need to apologize for my idiot generation.. but to who?.. None are perfect, after all.. You've got your lazy generations.. your self-righteous generations.. your rebellious generations.. your "intellectual" generations.. and so on.. Even the nicest house has an unpleasant smell coming from the toilet.... I guess the trick is to do your best to keep it there.. I think I've just grown a tad bitter of my own because of course it's much more personal.. I've never been able to "identify" with them, but believe me.. I'm glad.. It's actually quite a task to even look at someone's personal profile anymore without seeing a few oh-so-hip photos of them holding their plastic party-cups.. "Look at me, I drink!" It's like posing for a picture while you're reading the newspaper, to show everyone just how complex you are.. You hear that everyone has their own assigned guardian angel walking around with them all of the time.. I think that everyone should have a PR person as well.. You really CAN'T tell a book by it's cover.. But I think you can really find out.. almost pretty much everything you need to know about a person.. by glancing at their personal profile.. And you know what I've learned?.. I'm surrounded by a bunch of indulgent, meandering morons.. With alcohol and the weekend gatherings of immorality at it's best, serving as their constant muse.. Even still.. I know that there ARE lots of "good" people out there.. I wish I could say that I was one of them..

To Each, His Moan..

You know what it means when someone says, "It's good to see you."?.. It means that they have absolutely no idea what to say to you.. There's nothing wrong with this.. They've simply drawn a blank.. They've been caught off guard.. I don't know how many times I've said this myself, and I couldn't have meant it cause I don't really like to see ANYBODY.. It's awkward.. Like when you see someone from high school, or something at.. let's say Save Mart.. It's like, "Should I wave? Should I wait for them to wave first? Are they waiting for me to wave first? Should I just nod?.. maybe a wave is too desperate.. Or maybe just a smile?.. a nod might be a tad "ethnic".." And then by the time you go through all of this in your mind, you're already half past them, and you end up giving them some sort of half nod, half wave, half smile.. And if the idea of three halves isn't ridiculous enough, you have the nerve to feel snubbed when all that they can gather is a provoked look of sudden anxiety as they simply walk past you and hope that you won't be so inconvenient as to dare strike up a conversation.. Kind of the same idea as when you try to walk past those people standing outside of Walmart asking you to donate money to some country that wants to wipe us out.. Or asking you to sign a petition to save the Smelt Fish, or something like that... It's okay to let the humans dehydrate, and have the agriculture "go to Hell" (as they say) but the "forsaking" of the little fishies.. well that would just be unbearable wouldn't it?... After all.. They are our ancestors, right?.. Geezum Crow... I do the same thing in that situation as when I'm at the mall though.. You know?.. When everyone in that middle area is trying to sell you a phone, or some dollar shades, or face cream, or whatever?... I just pretend that I'm on my phone... And I'm always angry.. It's always some really important call like I lost some money in the stock market, or someone didn't meet a deadline, or something like that.. So if you don't want anyone in the mall to ask you if you want one of those twelve dollar massages, or someone outside of Walmart to ask you for your change (because after all, that's the change that you were gonna use to buy a gallon of gas, just to make it home).. Then just pretend that you're on your cell phone.. And be "angry".. It works.. Just make sure that your phone is on silent.. It's understandably not as effective when your phone rings during your fake phone call.. But these "extreme measures".. don't seem so extreme to me.. I mean.. I'm simply.. "honking a clown's nose".. I think it's better to be real than annoying.. But no one is gonna stop saying things like "It's good to see you.".. Or, "It's nice to hear from you.".. But realize that it's nothing more than filler.. Filler, in between the gossip, and repressed feelings (ne-er to surface).. But that's America (for the most part).. Artificial.. superficial.. Think about it.. "America the Beautiful".. Not, "America the Honest, or the moral, or even the decent".. But Beautiful.. I do realize though that I'm being unnecessarily over-analytical, but it's my "thorn in the flesh" (amongst at least a handful of others) to quite often assume an overly-cerebral persona.. But many things bug me.. Like these people that can't tilt their cups/glasses.. They MUST slurp.. If you believe in evolution.... I don't think that these people "evolved" all the way.. Lift your arm, tilt the glass.. it's easy.. Or these people that feel that they have to say "seriously" in order to get their point across.. The word is dead to me now.. It's been ruined.. tainted.. You want people to start taking you seriously?.. Stop SAYING "seriously".. It's like saying "Ba doom bum." after you tell a joke........ In conclusion.... If you only take ONE thing away from this, then take this.... Black coffee is A LOT more effective when it's cold...

Just Leave A Message

I'll be honest.. I can't stand holidays.. The corny music.. The trees.. The turkeys.. The cards.. The lights.. Those annoying trick or treaters.. Guess what I did this Halloween.. I went to Walmart, because I didn't want any annoying trick or treaters at the door.. I didn't want to deal with it.. And the phone calls.. The holiday phone calls.. I can't tell you how many times I've been on the phone today.. I mean, sure, I could easily check my call log; but I simply don't want to rehash any of it.. I gotta tell you.. I hate talking on the phone, as it is.. And text messages.. Those are just as bad.. I happen to be one of those squares that's purchased a cell phone, simply for emergencies (or "important" things).. You want to know what one of the worst things you can possibly do to me is?.. Call me on the phone, just to chat.. Text me, so we can go and have a coffee.. You know what?.. I can think you're the best and most wonderful person in the world, but it doesn't mean that I want to get off of my couch to go out and chew the fat with you.. Nothing personal; really.. I've thought about this more than a couple of times, actually.. And I'm not angry.. I'm writing this with a smile, as I listen to The Marx Brothers in the background.. I was just made this way, that's all.. I have "friends" that I haven't seen since the first grade; and in my mind, we're still the best of friends.. But it doesn't mean that I want to go rollerblading with them or anything.. I like my privacy.. I'm a writer, at heart.. I'm content to simply observe from a distance, and meander through life in some sort of imaginative haze.. I don't necessarily need to "partake" in certain things.. And really, I don't care to.... All of this is just... I hate holidays.. They seem to bring this out of me.. I get the same way on my birthday.... On holidays, and my birthday, I prefer to just be alone; with a soda and the remote.. And when I happen to get fed up with myself, and wonder why exactly I go on this way... I think my only answer is... You really can't go back home.. Things are never gonna be as good as when you were younger... When you got that first bike.. Or when you discovered that it was your dad eating the cookies, and your mom filling the stockings.. Or when you didn't have to worry about things like if this one was going to be your last one, together.... You felt so safe...... That's enough...

Mein Kampf

"I think, therefore I am..".... Is this my validation?.. Impossible.. For what I am, is not what I be.... Huh?.... But this self-deprecating (Or is it defecating?) (I guess it's all the same, really..) state of mind is nowhere near reliable, in efforts such as these.. But then again, have you ever noticed how deep and insightful people tend to get (Or at least act) the later they stay up?.. All of a sudden they're a modern Confucius.. That, or just plain 'ol confused.. I suppose the two are easy to mix up.. You'd think he'd have been more confused himself, with a name like Confucius and all.. And you see?.. This is exactly what I'm talking about.. Me, talking about Confucius as if he's in the latest Twilight movie or something.. Hot topic as he may be (Or not).... But I'm digging.. I'm acting as a paleontologist in nothing more than a metaphorical limerick.. And that means absolutely nothing to the mainstream.. But I don't concern myself with the likes of them anyway.. Such a meaningless existence.... I need to progress.. I need to move through ranks; but for what?.. Sanity?.. Happiness?.. Validation?.. Purpose?.. Meaning?.. Security?.. Stability?.. Hope?.. Drive?.. The will to go on?.. These are all the same to me.... Nonexistent....

O Unknowable Universe....

O Unknowable Universe.... But then, what is knowable?.. I can't even get to the bottom of this cold.. It's kind of funny.. I don't think I've ever eaten crackers in my life without being sick.. Except for maybe only a couple of desperate moments in a Chinese restaurant, aside my soup.. But that was only for my mind's sake.. I didn't want to be rude or anything, Chinese being my favorite and all.. I'd like to remain on good terms.. With or without the help of Obama.. Huh?.. Huh..? Watch the news.. Anyway, while I usually hold steady to my opinionated and somewhat stagnant ideals; I've never been one to push an unprovoked resistance.. I'm quite proud of the way that I was brought up; and now, being a parent myself, I realize that my parents must've done a little more than just sit me in front of the TV.. But then, maybe they did.. And then that's what I have to thank them for.. I was really too young at the time to remember that now.. I suppose I could ask.. But I still haven't even taken out the trash.. I tend to procrastinate.. And I tend to bring this to the attention of others.. I also happen to mention, quite often, that I'm lazy, unmotivated, undependable, impossible to reach on the phone, uninterested, and so on.. Why?.. Because this way, people don't depend on you.. They don't ask you for things.. They don't expect anything from you.. They'll pretty much leave you alone.... Isn't this what everyone really wants?.. I think that's why I did so bad in school, so often.. I'd score low in hopes that the teacher would assume me to be a lost cause.. That, or because I'd be in bed playing video games and end up taking the test two weeks late, having missed all preparations.. But I do miss high school in a way.. I truly thought I never would, but I do.. Anything to hold onto your escaping youth, right?.. Didn't you feel so young in high school?.. Invincible?.. The whole world ahead of you?.. And then, just as you're thrust out into the world, you realize that it's such an awful place.. And what are you gonna do now; with your bachelors, and masters degrees?.. Rake in some big money; only to give it away to the government, in order to pay for things that you don't even believe in, and are actually quite against?.. Oh well.. I'll never understand what drives such things; aside from hype, of course.. But as long as it's enough for those imbeciles that carry the fate of devastation, ever so delicately and upright, like a plasma TV; it'll be enough for the universe.. O Unknowable Universe..

And It's Only 10:33am...

Burger King fries, to me, are the kind of fries that you feel are the very best when you're eating them.. You know what I mean?.. Like sometimes when I'm eating Carl's JR fries, I'll think "these are really good; but I know that McDonald's fries are better.." But when I'm eating Burger King fries I'll think, "These are the best." even though I still know that McDonald's fries are really the best.. You know?.. They're just so good (the Burger King fries) that they may momentarily paralyze your "presets".. Dare I say that I may even experience that very same thing when I have a Cola as opposed to Pepsi?..... Blasphemy!!......... I have to thank Mr. Richard Britsch on this cold and ill-begotten morning (for I wish I was still sleeping) for my breakfast.. This morning I've had a large Cola, a Whopper, and large fries from Burger King; and a hash brown and two Egg McMuffins from McDonald's.. All thanks to the kind heart and fat wallet of Old Man Britsch (not abandoning his role as Best Man; even after the wedding).. In a very strong way, he's like the great grandfather that I never had/knew.. As it is, I really only even knew one of my grandpas.. One passed away about a year before I was born, and I've always maintained a kind of bitterness about that.. I feel robbed in a way.. I wish he could of at least known me, even if I would've been too young to remember.. And then a couple of months ago my other grandpa passed away.. He reminded me a lot of myself.. It was really hard/weird to deal with.. But still, I think the hardest thing is to think of what it did to my grandma, and my mom.. It's so weird to think of someone passing away.. Because you think of all of the possible things that you could've done to prevent it.. 'Ridiculous as they may be.. Like.. If only I had some medical school training and happened to be there at that exact moment, bearing a genie in a bottle that could've saved him (on top of my medical training).. It can really mess you up for a while.. I hate death.. I wish death were a person; so then I could kill it and then it would know just how horrible it is, and maybe refrain from claiming any more lives.... In the meantime, I'll just play some Xbox or something...

I'd Give You Everything I've Got, For A Little Peace Of Mind

I haven't been able to sleep so well lately.. At first, I just figured it was related to my soda intake.. So I didn't have any for weeks.. And that's a big deal because I drink about four liters of Pepsi, a day.. But I stopped.. And I still couldn't sleep; plus, I had massive headaches, as well as a demeanor like The Incredible Hulk.. So then I started again.. I have some next to me right now...... I lay down, but my mind races like a horse on coke.. Good thoughts.. Bad thoughts.. Hopes.. Dreams.. Goals.. Regrets.. Plans for the morrow.. Reflections on the previous day(s).. I can't stop it.. So I get up.. I watch TV.. I get online.. I strum my guitar.. I read.. I eat (in excess).. I try to sleep again, but no dice.. It's as though I have to reach the point of passing out.. There's no hope for structure in all of this.. I can't work, or plan, or make any kind of appointments this way.. I never know when I'll get the chance to sleep.. Why am I writing this..? Why are you reading this..? Maybe we're not so different, you and I..

Capacity Catastrophe..

I am very disappointed with myself..Since yesterday, I could do nothing but anticipate going to the new Chinese buffet in Dinuba.. I think it's spelled "Tien Tien"... Anyway.. I hadn't eaten ANYTHING today.. NOTHING.. So I got to Tien Tien (?) and had ONE PLATE......... I remember it was like a thing with me.. Whenever I'd go to buffets (And I'd go pretty often) I'd have six plates.. SIX PLATES.. I was always very proud of that.. I remember a couple of times I walked away only having had five.. And it was not without a sense of defeat.. But ONE?!.. With tax and everything it's a little over nine dollars a plate; and now all that I can think about is how I could've simply had the new Big Carl from Carl's JR (The new competition for the Big Mac) and saved a couple of bucks.. Again, I always took a sort of pride in my eating abilities, so today was a weird day for me.. Now I have to fall back on something like my TV watching abilities, or being able to do pushups on my thumbs (This is true).. And then.. AND THEN.. I went over to my sister-in-law's house and there were a couple of pizzas.... I had ONE SLICE.... I used to work at Pizza Hut a couple of years ago and very often I'd bring home a large pizza and eat the whole thing all by myself (Such simpler times).. And there was also some cake (Sort of a spur-of-the-moment birthday party) and I had one tiny little piece.. I used to run a three to four average... Bottom line... This is a sad day.. I now seem to have the eating capacity of an 84-year-old woman... On a diet.. The day after Thanksgiving.. (She'd most likely still be a little stuffed..).. Anyway, this might not mean much to you, but it does to me and it's my blog.. My vent.. My lament.. And now.. I must go and feel sorry for myself.. I'm still good at that..

Whatcha Gonna Do When They Come For You?..

I was listening to a Three Dog Night album today.. They have some pretty darn good songs.. It was one of those things where it's like.. "Ohh... THEY'RE the ones that sang that song.." That happened like four times.. Apparently, I'd never connected their name with any of their music.. Anyway, I'm really excited to share something in particular with you.. I was watching Cops today (Don't ask) and this lady was standing in the middle of the road.. Hysterical.. And flagging down a cop.. Well the cop pulled over and naturally asked her what was wrong.. She said that this woman across the street had stolen twenty dollars from her.. The twenty dollars that she was going to use to buy Cocaine.............. So the cop went across the street to ask the other woman if this was true... She was furious.. She expressed how insulted she was and that everyone in the neighborhood knew very well that she made her living as a prostitute...... Let's just COMPLETELY ignore how ridiculously stupid this is and focus on this next part.. The cop just let both of them go.. A hooker and a cokehead, both walk free and I get a three-hundred-plus ticket for answering my phone while driving and going a little fast (I've gone A LOT faster).. Whatever.. I don't want to start thinking about that right now.. I still need to figure out where that money's gonna come from.. Maybe I should just do the time and build up my street cred.. Maybe.. Or maybe I should just "Rejoice in my sufferings".. And be glad.. It builds character, you know... But then again.. How much more of a character can I be?...

Life is full of "maybes"....
And one of those "maybes" is this song that I wrote.. Maybe...
The audio is a little out of sync, but hey.. So am I..


Go to YouTube!... Comment and Subscribe!..

Humble Beginnings..

Okay, so this is my first post.. I've done a lot of "first posts" and it's always a kind of thing where you just want to get something out there and test the waters.. You don't really want to begin with telling your whole life story and why you cringe every time you think of Frito Boats (It’s still too soon) and then you don't want to start with a lame "Hi." either.. As I'm typing this, it's 3:46 AM on Thursday morning.. August 20th... And as I'm growing weary, I'm trying to channel just enough intrigue to have you come back again.. (And if I may be so bold) even ask that you subscribe, or follow (whatever the vernacular may be for this particular realm of vanity) so that my efforts and… pointless thoughts and tangents will not be in vain.. At least not completely.. So unless you’re anxiously anticipating a third remaking of 90210, or the first lady’s latest fashion trends (Which must be keeping you glued to the TV, or the MSN homepage).. Then please.. Come back again soon and kill some time with Vincent J. Vera..

And now for your viewing pleasure.....
There's absolutely no relevance here... It's just a great song..